Television = Emotional Porn?

Happy Monday morning to you all.

I was just wondering this morning, why has the television become such a success, available in 98% of American homes, watched for over three hours a day by the average American, eventually eating up almost nine years of our lives? What is it about tv that has so captivated our imaginations?

Here are the top five reasons I think we love the idiot box:

5) We Just Can't Look Away - yes, whether it's the excess and ensuing conflict of Housewives, or someone eating a bowl of cereal on Big Brother, or the 130 pound tumor with teeth and hair and a partially formed ear, sometimes we just can't look away.

4) Knowledge - some folks just like knowing stuff. I think most of us do. So whether it's in order to feel informed (World News) or smart (Jeopardy) or the opposite of naive (20/20), the television feeds this basic desire in us to be in the know.

3) Entertainment - let's face it, most of us spend our lives in a cubicle, staring at a screen. By the end of a long day of emails and meetings and work, we want something different. We want our emotions to be stirred. We want to laugh or cry or feel something, anything, and the deeper the better. Anger, horror, disgust, joy . . . these things awaken in us when we watch television in a way that seems not to happen very often in our normally pedestrian lives.

2) Comraderie - how many shows now have us choosing sides, rooting for someone, taking a team on as our own and then following the result? Survivor, American Idol, Biggest Loser, every single sports league, all those makeover shows? We trash talk other people's favorites if they are not ours. There is something in all of us that wants to choose a side, and win along with them. Example - I recently trash-talked an Eagles fan, mentioning "our 6 Super Bowl rings." What? Our rings? Last time I checked, I don't have a single Super Bowl ring.

And the number one reason I think most people watch television . . .

1) Anesthetic - this may sound like the complete opposite of #3, but hear me out. I think a lot of folks watch television because real life can be so messy and tiring and painful, and at the end of a long day, surrounded by our troubles, sometimes the easiest thing to do is let an outside source entertain us and help us forget about what's going on. Which would you rather do, spend time working on a messy relationship or watch a two-hour program that helps you forget about it and then go to bed? Spend a few hours talking to your spouse when you know things aren't going so well, or safely, without communicating, watch a bunch of relational freaks on tv that make your marriage feel not-so-bad? Engage your teenage kids and find out about all the crap they're involved in, all the tough stuff they're facing, or watch television together and feel like a family? Work out for months so you're in shape enough to compete in a local sports league, or just sit around and let the NFL stimulate your need for competition (ouch, that one hit close to home)?

In some ways, I think television satisfies our need for emotional stimulus the same way many people use pornography to stimulate their sexual desires. Both allow us to escape real life and experience something we want to experience from a safe distance, in a predictable way, and all in a medium over which we have complete control and can turn off whenever we want. The alternative takes too much effort or requires a level of vulnerability we are not prepared to encounter.

Hey, I don't know, maybe I'm completely off base. What do you think are the real reaons we watch television? Having a good laugh? Excellent script-writing? Engaging television shows? Something more innocent than having a base human desire fulfilled?

And the Verdict for NoTV2010 Week One is...

I'm really loving this. Honest. I'm not just trying to candy-coat this in hopes of recruiting others into some sort of miserable cable-less, HD-void hell; I'm being very truthful when I say "I love not watching TV".

But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it at all or that there weren't some very low points of which I am not all proud, for instance the two bowls of ice cream I ate down in the kitchen while Shawn's parents watched "The Biggest Loser" up in the loft, coming down in between commercials to report that "these people are just huge; you should see them", but of course, I can't, which I think is what pushed me from bowl one to bowl two. And, please, someone answer me this: why does everyone I know who watches Biggest Loser religiously always, I mean always, eat a bowl full of ice cream or some equally waistline-damning snack while these poor souls on the screen go through grueling workouts and are forced to wear lycra weigh-in outfits that, let's be honest here, are just plain cruel? I am as guilty as anyone of doing this so I'm not pointing fingers here, but a little psycho-analyzing might be in order (Aunt Kate, any thoughts?).

Anyway, that is all beside the point that I did indeed really miss watching "The Biggest Loser", and yesterday, when it was just me and the kiddos widdling away the hours of a Saturday, well, I wouldn't have minded having the t.v. on, just to veg out while the babes were napping or for a bit of background noise, but those are probably the only two times I really missed it.

I think the reason I am really loving this experiment right now is for two main reasons: 1. more sleep and 2. more time. Maybe this is a condition only reserved for parents of small children, but I tend to be a very tired, overwhelmed sort of person, who crawls out of bed in the morning counting down the hours till I can crawl back in, scrambling through the day trying desperately to check enough off my to-do list to feel like a semi-productive human being but inevitably I run out of time. But since living sans tv, well, I'm getting to bed at a decent hour, and finding that I'm getting a lot more done, since I'm not wasting two to three hours in front of the boob tube every night. I know, I know "All work and no play make Jack a dull boy"; I'm not saying I'm just a "to-do list" machine, rifelling through chores and errands like a domestic engineer Terminator. I just find that when I do relax in the evenings with a book or a game, I do it in a much more peaceful state of mind, not lamenting all the things I didn't get done today and how tired I'll be tomorrow. I guess I just feel a bit more in control of my life.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't think this experiment will cure my life or anyone else's of its daily woes, but it is at least easing mine a little at the moment and I'm thankful for that. Granted, we're only a week and a half into this. My tune may be diffent in a couple of months or, for that matter, next week. We'll see how this bad boy plays out but for now, it's all good (except, of course, for the potential weight I will gain if I can't shake the Biggest Loser binges on Tuesday nights...) This fulfills my duties as this weekend's guest blogger; thanks for tuning in!

The Origin of NoTV2010

So, yes, going without tv for a year was indeed my idea, as was the blog, which Shawn hijacked, but I’m okay with that as long as I get to put my two-cents in every once in a while. So while he’s away for the weekend, I guess here's my opportunity to tell you all where this crazy old idea came from and how I feel it has gone so far.

The idea began on a Friday night, late, very late for a couple with 4 kids, one of which wakes up at 6 am every morning, demanding oatmeal from her throne of a high chair like the Queen of Hearts, threatening to wake up the other 3 if the bowl isn’t cool and on her tray, like, yesterday. But I digress. Anyway, it was late and I had spent the past 3 or so hours watching random shows on one of those health channels in the 40’s about a hodgepodge of medical anomalies, for instance: a man entering the ER with an ax sticking out of his skull, a woman with a 130lb. tumor (give or take a few pounds, it was late remember), and another woman who had plastic surgery done on over 75% of her body. Don’t get me wrong, this was intriguing stuff, but as I stumbled into bed, mourning the less than 5 hours of sleep I would get before the Queen awoke, I wondered, “What on God’s green earth am I doing?”

Now, I defy any of you to tell me that you don’t have a similar story to share. You’ve been there. It’s the same feeling I get after eating a pint of Ben&Jerry’s at 9pm after all the kids are in bed and it’s just me and the ice cream and it tastes so good at the moment, but afterwards, oh, afterwards- not so good. So there and then the idea popped into my head as I was drifting off to sleep, “What if I just didn’t do it, didn’t watch tv for a whole year…”

The next morning the idea was still there, but I wondered if maybe it was one of those crackpot ideas that seems divine-inspired at 1 in the morning but just plain idiotic by sunrise when your brain isn’t coated in fatigue. So I decided Shawn would be the true test. I mean, for me to give up tv, well, it would be a sacrifice, but a small one, like giving up my pinkie finger (apologies Uncle Dale) or something, because I’m not a devoted follower of very many shows, I’m just one of those “random show watchers to pass the hours from kids’ bedtime to adults’ bedtime” people, but for Shawn, he’d be losing a large appendage in this sacrifice: first and foremost, the NFL and everything that goes with it- the Steelers, SNF, MNF, his new announcer love affair with Jon Gruden, the Playoffs, the Superbowl, the Draft, ESPN highlights, Tony Kornheiser’s comb-over… I could go on, but I'll spare you. Trust me, this would be big for him. So as he and I were in the living room lamenting our lack of sleep the night before and vowing to do better, I dangled the idea out there, “So I’m thinking of giving up tv for the new year.” He stopped and looked at me. The idea hung there, dangling, awaiting it’s fate and… he bit. “That’s a great idea, hon. I think we should do it.” That was it. There was no wavering in his voice, no "great idea but...", just "let's do it". So that confirmed for me that this late-night revelation was legit.

So how do I feel about the decision now, a couple of weeks into it? I'll save that for tomorrow. But what I would love to hear is the response you would give if your significant other dangled this idea in front of you. I'm flying solo for the weekend with 4 kids, folks; I need a good laugh.

Deal or No Deal?

One of the most common responses I've gotten when people hear about this experiment is, "Man, I couldn't do that, but good luck to you."

I can understand that response if I was planning a trip to the top of Mt. Everest, or preparing for a year eating only beans (good luck to my family if that was the case), or going a year without shoes. But this is tv folks.

It's not that big of a deal.

Perhaps now that I've done it for a few weeks I've seen the wizard for who he truly is - that little dude standing on a stool to make himself taller or speaking through a megaphone to make himself louder. Going without tv isn't scary, and, actually, it's not all that difficult. A television isn't a bully, just a talking box, sitting there in the corner waiting for us to turn it on and watch other people do fun and interesting things while we sit on a sofa and eat and think, "That's cool."

Not to say the blank screen doesn't occasionally watch me as I cross the room, or whisper things to me . . . "National Championship game is on tonight" . . . "Wouldn't it be nice to veg in front of Friends for a few hours" . . . "Entertainment, you need entertainment!" . . . But it doesn't take long for that voice to sound more and more nasally and conceited and, eventually, down right annoying. And since I still have the remote control I can turn the volume down.

Quick word association - what's the opposite of:

laughing . . . crying
love . . . fear
television . . . peace

Wow. That was insightful.

So a quick heads up. I think I'm going to try to encourage some sort of week without television and see how many of you guys will sign up for it. I don't know when exactly, but let me know if that sounds like an interesting experiment you might be willing to try out. Maybe if you live close, we'll have you over for dinner at the end of the week and share detox stories, or if there are too many people we'll all go somewhere. Or if there are no people then Maile and I will eat alone.

My goal in this is definitely not to try to persuade everyone in the world to give up tv - there are more worthwhile causes to fight for and, contrary to how this may all look, I'm not strictly anti-tv. So if you're not up for a week away from the idiot box, that's cool, too.

And you can still come to our dinner.

*** make sure you tune in on Saturday and Sunday this weekend - I will be in Florida (enough with all the groaning and sighing b/c it's 40 degrees and raining in West Palm Beach) so we will be having a special guest blogger. That's right, none other than my beautiful wife Maile. Have a great weekend!

A Harrowing Tale

Maybe it's because the lack of television is resensitizing me, or maybe it's because they're kid classics, but whatever the case, there's no denying it: I've definitely been enjoying The Boxcar Children books more than I thought I would.

The idea of four children and a dog taking up residence in an old abandoned boxcar almost seems harrowing, now that my mind is no longer being bombarded with Jack Bauer-like feats of adventure and violence. I experienced genuine relief when Cade, Lucy and I discovered that the Aldin children would be well taken care of by their wealthy grandfather and not mistreated as they had first feared. I was moved when he somehow transported the boxcar from where the children lived in the woods to his backyard where they could play in it everyday.

Abra and Sam were asleep and I was reading the last chapter to Cade and Lucy on the couch. Normally at about 7:55pm on a Tuesday night we would make sure the kids were sleeping so that we could turn on the tube and watch a bunch of overweight people do jumping jacks and use their teeth to fill up bins with tennis balls while a tiny rope of a woman screams at them and asks them if they have really, truly, honestly dealt with the death of their pet cat in the third grade.

Instead, the basement was quiet. A few lamps were on. A fan hummed in the background.

"Let's start the next one!" Lucy said, her eyes positively radiant, referring to "Surprise Island" (tale number two in the riveting lives of the Boxcar Children).

Why not? I thought.

So read a book to your kid tonight, or your grandchild, or yourself. You don't even have to give up television to do that.

And let me know if you have any suggestions for kids books that a 6 year old, a 5 year old (and a 33 year old) might enjoy. I'd be up for something slightly more thrilling than The Boxcar Children. Would Treasure Island keep them up at night?

What would you do with nine extra years . . .

I mentioned the following in my very first post:

FACT: by the age of 65, the average American will have spent 9 years watching television

I still have to laugh whenever I read that sentence, because it sounds so ludicrous. 9 years. None of my children are even that old yet, and it seems like they've been around forever (in a good way).

Most people regard decades as significant portions of time - think back to the 80s and everything that happened in those 9+1 years. Remember the hair bands and the Reagan administration and communism and the San Francisco earthquake? Arsenio Hall (the first year)? Rocky III and IV? Cabbage Patch Kids? A lot of stuff happens in a decade.

Remember that decade we watched tv?

Wait. What?

Anyway, I was thinking about how long a decade really is and what I could accomplish in 9 years if I didn't watch any television for my entire life (I know it's already too late for that, but humor me).

*During Christmas break I was in Florida and built a 100 s.f. sandcastle in about six hours (it was supposed to be a family bonding moment between me and the kids but by the time it was starting to look really good I found myself telling them not to touch the walls and get out of the moat and somehow I ended up finishing it mostly on my own). Anyway, in 9 years I could build a sand castle that covered about thirty acres. Hmmm. Not as big as I thought. I'd probably rather watch television

*They estimate that it took about 20 years to build the Great Pyramid, but that was with 100,000 people. I could do it in 9, but would need the help of over 200,000 other people, who would also have to swear off television for life. This is not going to happen, when 98% of American households have a television, and those who do not are mostly incommunicado, or, like me, would like to do something more productive with their lives than build a pyramid. No offense to my Egyptian following (Bassam).

*Tolstoy started writing War and Peace in 1862 and extensively edited/finished writing the piece for the next 6-7 years (a total of 7-8 years). If he had watched television, we may never have been blessed with this incredible work . . . although most people I know have not read it (if you haven't yet read War and Peace, read it. For once I am not being sarcastic. It's entertaining, not as daunting as it may seem, and has an engaging plot. But it is long. It might take you 9 years, if you are a very very very slow reader, so if that's you, just stop watching tv).

So, three things you might want to do with your life instead of watching television - build a great pyramid, build a great sand castle, or write a great novel. Let me know any other ideas you might have for the use of 9 spare years.

Five television shows which should not be preserved in a time capsule for future generations

We've all done it. It's late at night, but too early for bed. We're too tired to read or do anything productive. All we want to do is veg, so we turn on the tv to get us through 20 minutes or so of life before hitting the hay.

And we end up watching something really, really dumb.

The following are, in my opinion, some of the lamest television creations of all time. A few I am even ashamed to admit I have tuned in to. Others are borderline. One of the top five Maile completely disagrees with me on. When I tried to include another one, "What Not to Wear," she had a downright tantrum.

"That's not even right!" she exclaimed, "They help people!"

So, here are my choices, in reverse order, with one being perhaps the dumbest show I've ever seen - feel free to disagree, or add your own (un)favorites to the list:

5) Apollo 13 (the movie) - this movie used to be in my top 20 favorite movies of all time. Who didn't know the catch-phrase, "Houston, we have a problem"? But then they started showing it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT on TBS . . . and I watched it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. The madness needs to stop. Apollo 13 needs to go.

4) Reruns of old football games of no significance. Please ESPN Classic, stop playing Steelers-Browns 1986. Even though the game had no significance, and both teams were horrible, I still have to watch. It's a sickness.

3) Say Yes to the Dress - okay, the first time I saw the show I was hooked. Conflict abounds when a bride goes to a posh wedding dress shop with family and friends in tow. But do we need to see this, the clerks upselling Jane Doe from a $2000 dress to a $5000 dress? That little dude who works there, running around, arguing with EVERYONE and fanning his eyes with his hands when he finds the perfect gown? Who knows, maybe next the tv people will take us back one point in the timeline and have us watching the girl pick out not only the dress, but the guy as well. Oh wait, they already did that in . . .

2) The Bachelorette. Seems more like a junior high kissing game than a serious attempt at finding Mr. Right.

AND FINALLY, THE SHOW MOST LIKELY TO LEAVE YOU FEELING CORRUPTED AND HORRIFIED AT THE STATE OF OUR SOCIETY (drumroll please):

1) Housewives of Atlanta/Orange County/New York. That's right, I'm going there CP (you know who you are). I can't remember a show before Housewives that, after watching for about ten minutes, I actually felt dumber. For those of you blessed enough never to have seen it, its reality tv at it's most egregious - 5 or 6 ultra-wealthy housewives are filmed going through their everyday lives, buying $10,000 purses, arguing over which gold-plated tiki torches they want for their next million dollar pool party, talking the audience through which of their previous husbands provides the most alimony, or which of their current affairs will end up proposing with the largest ring. Yet, if you pass this show 15 minutes before bed time, and are looking to waste a few minutes, you may find it hard to look away.

I feel much better, having got all of that off my chest. It's a confessional of sorts. So how about you? Consume anything recently that made you wish your brain could throw up?